Omgsh my heart is racing, butterflies in my tummy, this guy I have a crush on is like talking to me on Facebook. Haha I'm such a freak. TOMORROW my real diet starts, whooho!
Anyway girls i'm about to go to the airport to fly back home now, so I might write to u from the airport internet. But good-bye for now. Luv u all.
Luv Lola

123.8! yes!! i finally broke that freaking 124 lol. i know only by a little but still i'm so relieved.

so yesterday i purged 2 times and forced myself to sleep before i went back for a third bc my heart was racing and beating really hard that i didn't want to force it again. so yey for me!

this morning my hubby starts putting on my long socks and i'm like what are you doing? and he's like it's cold outside and i thought he was kidding and i go umm you're gonna stretch out my calf on my socks and he goes completely serious...your calfs are as big as mine. i was effing mortified! and he totally put them on and wore them!!!!! BASTARD!

oh and i put a lock on my iphone bc he had gone through it and saw a ton of thinspo on it and freaked and told my mom and told me he saw them and its so gross and so i locked it and he locked his and i was like what are you hiding and he goes what are YOU hiding? and i told him you ALREADY FREAKING KNOW what's on my phone. what's on yours and he says why did you lock it then? and i said bc i don't want you going through it and then i'll have to hear your mouth or my mom's or whoever else you told. i told him he was being childish and he said right before i walked out the truck "Yea well i think you making yourself sick and making yourself vomit is childish!" WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?!

ugh i need to calm down my heart is hurting my chest.

 i weigh myself every morning before i drink everything and right after a use the bathroom. i dont weigh any other time but that.

monday i weighed in at 122.2 and was disgusted. that day i only drank water and tea and had an apple till dinner than i pigged out on pizza and egg sandwiches. so gross. the next morning i was 122.8. so yesterday i only drank tea juice and water and had 2 tangerines and 1 apple, then i pigged out on 2 eggs and 2 slices of toast. luckily that was only 565 calories. 

I'm scared to go weigh now.
I want to be out of the twenties and never see them again.

I was watchin a few minutes of this program on TV last night. It was a weight loss thing and to help the people realise how much they were eating, they had created a supermarket type thing, which had the food sorted into 100 calories amounts.. So like half a mini pork pie, etc. It was really sickening to see how much calories in so little amounts of food..

It also made me wish that all supermarkets were like that... So I could jsut walk in and get 1 bag of food for each day of the week.. Would make it SOOOOOOOOOO much easier to controll myself!!

I've gained a 1lb in weight again.. sigh. I'm up from 179.5lb to 180.4 :(
I keep going up n down like a yoyo.. I'm glad im not gainign to much but it would be nice to lose.

I want to be at least 160lbs by the end of this month and 140lb by my birthday.. I just want this stomach gone!!

Tomorrow I will doa  water/green tea fast. And im gonna plan out my food for the next week.

Also non ed related n for any girlies in the UK.
Do any of you know a good shop to buy bras?? I normally get the ones from asda, as they're cheap but their new line is naff n doesnt last more than a month >.< same with peacock ones.

finally!
its happened!
my control is back.... lol.
3weeks later and god knows how many pounds heavier im finally regaining some control :)
so pleased.
had a drs appointment bked for 2moro also.
was gona pour my heart out over my bulimia and how i cant control my blood sugars (being diabetic) but now i dont have to, now i dont want to :)

to be continued.....

oh btw, hope everyone is good and doing well xx

so i'm back. i guess i never really left.
i'm sitting here waiting to go to work because i got ready really early for some reason..i kept waking up in the middle of the night hungry, but i didn't give in.
yesterday i had 1 can of tomato soup and 2 apples.
and you know what the WORST THING EVER is?
waking up in the morning, feeling completely empty..looking in the mirror, feeling like you lost weight, almost SEEING that you lost weight..
then stepping on the scale and i GAINED two pounds??
no freaking way.
i almost feel like it ruined my day, and it hasn't even started yet.
was at 96 lbs and now i'm at 98.
i wanted so bad to hit 95 today, and i want to throw the scale across the street and run over it with my car.

hope everyone else has a great day. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSpUaTPKkCk

I bought it for the lolz.

Probably won't work at all but I bought it for 10$ on ebay so whatever. XD might as well do something while i'm on the comp right?

the holidays were rough for me.

hope everyone is on track and doing well!

<3

my flu symptoms are getting worse and my mum is insisting i go to a doctor

will he know about my bulimia?
i think there are small cuts on the back of my throat...
fuck fuck fuck

most of the time, the reason i don't have the courage to post here is b/c i fail.
i've been on a binge-roll for the past 3 days and i don't have the guts to even log in to LJ.
make it short, i'm too ashamed b/c i have no control.

gosh.. i wish i had willpower.
i desperately have to lose weight.. yet..?


my cousin will be back on the 16th, so it will be harder for me to not eat..

meanwhile, i should control myself to the max while she's not here yet.
i don't care. i'll just restrict and refrain.



if i could do this, it would show me that i can control my own life for the better.



--
so sorry girls :(

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Post locked 9/1.

 Tonight I feel too normal to be in an ED mood.
I also decided that I don't want to follow ABC anymore, precisely because I know that I can finish it. If I lose any more weight, I will look too sick to be found attractive, and I know I'll be running serious health injuries if I go through it.
I am instead, restricting myself to under 500 cals every day.
I feel great right now, I don't feel terrorized by my ED. I don't even want to hear the word "calorie" or "Abc" or "ED" or anything else.
I started talking to a guy tonight, and have a date tomorrow. 
:)

good morning ladies.
Im so ill this morning. My whole body aches and i keep being sick.
So i had to eat something. But day 5, 100 kcals.
And no matter what im sticking to it.
So far ive had some jelly - 8 kcals
and a plain cracker - 15 kcal

going to make some more jelly for through out the day so i can use my kcals wisey. Instead of having 1 yougurt 80 kcals
I can have like 9 more jellys?

Makes sence to me.
Good luck for today everyone.

Would have posted earlier but well... The second line of my post explains that.

Love you.

[20] Love Actually
[16] Harry Potter
[04] Edward Cullen

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i'm starting to think, i might let myself off these last three days of being at home,
just so that i can enjoy having free food because i have to pay for it myself, then after
but then go back to ABC on saturday, 
wot do ya think ? because im not sure...